I suck at this blogging thing

It's been almost four years since I touched this blog. It's amazing how distracting graduate school can be. The nerve of professors! Why do they think scholarship is more important than pondering one's existence in a forum that no one else reads? A double harumph to that.

I don't know why I think my efforts will stick this time around. 

1) I'm notorious for abandoning journals. The only journals I ever kept consistently were those I was forced to write in for some sort of class. I inevitably fell behind and wrote two weeks of entries the day before I had to turn one in. It's a good thing I have (or had) an excellent memory.

2) I can't even concentrate enough to write my thesis advisor to nag him about approving my research proposal. Focus has been a challenge this year because... oh! Shiny object!

...

OK, there really isn't a need for a list of excuses. I know what the problem is, and if anyone reading this knows me at all, you know what the problem is. 

Hi, my name is Holly, and I'm having a midlife crisis. 

The crisis has destroyed my ability to concentrate, except in cases of obsession, like questioning whether or not "midlife" should be hyphenated. (A quick look at various online dictionaries suggests it should not be.) Now, the question of when midlife begins has begun to haunt me. Am I there yet? Should I be calling this a "pre-midlife crisis"? If so, should that hyphen in "pre-midlife" stay or go?

Regardless of what stage of life I categorize myself, "crisis" feels like a fitting label. One of the definitions of the word is "turning point," and that's where I am. I have no idea in which direction I'm turning, and I'm getting dizzy with the effort. 

My life has changed in so many ways that I just could not predict. I started the ball rolling when I decided to go back to school. I had no idea that the world of academia would be so different by the time I was ready to look at PhD programs.

I had no idea I would be faced with the death of someone I loved so much or the illness of another I loved just as much.

I couldn't predict I would relocate to a sparsely populated area with little promise of gainful employment or health insurance.

I didn't see any of this coming, but if anyone has the powers of prophecy, I'd like some hints for the future.

I'll end with this (probably unoriginal) thought: certain periods of life should come with ratings and warnings similar to those posted outside of amusement park rides. "This ride is not recommended for individuals prone to motion sickness or with spinal injuries. Fasten safety belts and keep arms and legs inside the cart at all times."

What's the point of blogging?

It seems so self-indulgent: Hammering away at a keyboard under the assumption (or is that delusion?) that someone else in the world will be interested in what I think. This mindset is a bit repellant to me, yet here I sit, hammering away at a keyboard.

There are bloggers who are truly gifted writers and whose entries are more like mini-columns than egocentric blather. I would not dare put myself into their class, though I can aspire to one day have similar gifts.

Blogging seems to me to be a good exercise for one who wants to write and needs to find exercises to practice getting her thoughts into more coherent forms.

I have always been a rather reserved person, though some former co-workers may dispute that characterization. The opinions I express are those of which I am fully confident, and what I do say is a small reflection of the tumult inside my mind. I have a fear of being proven wrong or, worse, insignificant. Who can prove anything against me if I keep my mouth shut? Proverbs 17:28 says, "Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding." A similar quote is often attributed to Mark Twain about keeping your silence and being thought a fool rather than opening your mouth and removing all doubt.

Still, writing is therapeutic and recent studies suggest that verbal exercises increase intellect. I need to flex my mental muscle, so why not join the blogging revolution? I suppose I'll jump in and deal with the "why nots" later.